Good for a laugh…Preparation for Parenthood:

My friends Glen and Linda passed this on to me. Its funny. Have a laugh!

Preparation for Parenthood

1) (Women) To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine months, remove 10% of the beans.

2) (Men) To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the super- market. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

3) Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, apallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it–it’s the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

4) To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5pm till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approx- imately 8-12 pounds. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk around the living room again with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can’t go back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark till 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up.Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

5) Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. There, how does that look?

6) Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.

7) Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of COCO Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.

8) Forget the Miata and buy the minivan. And don’t think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family- size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

9) Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand until all of the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

10) Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11) Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.

12) Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street, andPower Rangers. When you find yourself singing, “I love you, you love me”at work, now you finally qualify as a parent!

This entry was posted in Adventures in Parenting, Humour. Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to Good for a laugh…Preparation for Parenthood:

  1. logoâ„¢ says:

    Ohhh, it’s so true, sad and painful and far too true.

  2. Miz BoheMia says:

    I am so laughing! Welcome to my home it seems! I have a 5 and a 3-year-old and my biggest fantasy is to sleep alone in my room with my husband… no kids!!! And the list goes on but I won’t even get started or else you can consider your blog hijacked!

    I love me your digs by the way!

  3. Boy does this sum up why I know children are not for me.

  4. MJ says:

    This is the best ad for birth control I’ve ever seen.

  5. IDV says:

    Good grief! How ghastly!

    I have a new found respect for my parents, now. They had three horrible little monsters before giving up!

  6. justine says:

    I want to laugh, i want to cry!

    It is really like that, isn’t it. Oh my god. But I sort of would like children. What’s wrong with me>?>?

  7. shiftclick says:

    Can’t relate, don’t want ’em and don’t have ’em. I do love your new bright yellow sunflower clock, though! Beautiful!

  8. kyahgirl says:

    logo and Miz B-I know you can relate. My kids are 7 and 5 so I’m just coming out of the worst of it (except of course we have to survive the teen years)

    MJ, Fran, GSE, IDV and Shiftclick-I’m just laughing at your comments because, before I had children, I was exactly the same. I still have my days when I wonder where I lost my sanity! :- ) There are pay offs though. Honest!

  9. grannyp says:

    Brilliant. And here’s me after week with granddaughters wishing I’d had more children….you remind me why I didn’t.

  10. Fuckkit says:

    Nope, I don’t believe you. There can’t possibly any joy in having children. At all. Not gonna happen.

    Plus, children scare me. I find them sinister. I feel actual fear if someone puts one near me. Not as much fear as spiders but definately a close second.

  11. betty says:

    I’m with Fuckkit on this one. Have never had the slightest desire to have children and I hate spending time with them. When I’ve had to visit parents I find it exhausting and stressful having to attempt to communicate with children (for the sake of the parents, who you want to remain friends with). Anyway, I might have to print out the post in the hope that it will put my sister in law off breeding. I really don’t want to be an auntie after having avoided it for this long.

  12. Romerican says:

    I must have been abused as a small child. When in the grocery store, my mother would immediately take me to the toy aisle. There she would remind that removing toys from packages would result in a severe beating, leaving the aisle would result in me being left at the store while she went home alone, and that desiring to actually take any toy home would result in disappointment.

    She went about her shopping and eventually would return to pick me up on the way out.

    And I found out in all 3 cases, she did not lie.

  13. Doug says:

    You had me convinced at “children”

  14. frangelita says:

    Ok, you’ve got me running scared now. I still want some. One day. Will stick to auntying for now.

  15. SID says:

    I knew I had become a parent when I found myself and Mrs SID repeating Dick Van Dyke’s quote, with original/American cockney accent I might add, “Shhhtep in time,shhhtep in time!” from Mary Poppins.

    A film, thanks to my earthangels I now hate.

  16. Lucyshnoosy says:

    Snort! Hilarious.

  17. Mo'a says:

    Oh my!!!! Was it really like that? I had forgotten….it has been 32years since my one and only was born, my son. I guess when it is all said and done, one only remembers the good things.

  18. kyahgirl says:

    grannyp-some say the best thing about kids is the grandkids 🙂

    betty and fuckkit-I do understand. So many people have kids without considering the long term challenges-this is good birth control 🙂

    romerican-I think you were abused!! poor little fella.

    Doug-you’re easy 🙂

    Fran-good idea-borrow them for a weekend a few times. That’ll help you figure out the lay of the land.

    SID-I hear you. We watched that one about a million times too. Votes for women!!!

    Lucyshnoosy-yes, I knew you’d see 🙂

    Hi Mo’a- welcome 🙂 We all hope for that oblivion one day 🙂

  19. OvaGirl says:

    This made me laugh and laugh.

    Then I stopped laughing and cold worms of fear began to squirm down my spine.

  20. funny thing says:

    There is nothing normal about miniature humans.
    They should be locked up until they are old enough to buy me a pint and help shift pianos.

  21. Kyahgirl says:

    OG-people who are expecting their first should not read posts like this!!! Sorry, I’ll just lie and say its all a piece of cake 🙂

    ft-you have a lot of pianos to shift?

  22. rowan says:

    That was fantastic! i just forwarded it to all the moms and dads i know in my email list. Thanks for that, it’s one I haven’t seen before and more than true.

  23. Kyahgirl says:

    Hi Rowan 🙂 glad you enjoyed it. I did too.

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